I blogged last year about the horrors of dating in your 30’s, my friend B and I have been through all the different avenues, speed dating, online, casual sex etc but I have come to the conclusion that it can be a horror for a woman of any age to find a man, the one who is going to hang around or isn’t one of the following, for which I will describe.
I have recently decided to go on a 30 day man Hiatus, after the last three men in my life fell into three of the categories below, I decided to empower myself. I believe I may have been attracting the wrong men because I allowed myself to fall into the traps. I have been reading self help books lately, to help me discard my old ways, the ways that attract the wrong men. I need to feel like a ‘catch’ before men see me as one.
Baring in mind before I begin, that there are a lot of keepers out there, men who stick. The course of true love doesn’t run smooth they say, but there are many, many people for which it does because there are the keepers.
Before I run through my list of men that aren’t in the keeper category (or may be but just not found the right girl?), I have to say that women aren’t always the good guys either. There are a lot of women out there digging for gold, seducing men for their own means. As I am a woman, I can only write from this perspective and as I’m not a gold digger myself, I can only compartmentalise men. Sorry boys.
We can also be guilty, us girls, of allowing these type of men to treat us this way. I am very guilty of this one. Jumping in too fast, trying to please, wanting to find love. If you give off desperation, these types of men fall in your lap. Thus my hiatus, I have expectations, I know what I want and I need to stick with them or repeat the same patterns.
Type One: The Commitment Phobic
Now my best male friend, who I love dearly, is one of these. Our friendship is strong and although we tried to make it work together, we are better as companions, best friends who hang together a lot. We will always be friends and I know we will stick by each other for the rest of our lives, no matter what men or women come and go. I can rely on him to love, support and stand by me... he just wants different things. Well, different to what I believe I want anyway.
It isn’t that these men can’t love, they can, but they are not into monogamy. They don’t want the white picket fence and the 2.5 children. Whether they tell you this up front or you find out along the track, in my experience, a guy who doesn’t want to commit, won’t change because a girl has come into his life, no matter how compatible. Not saying that this can’t happen, that these men don’t meet the right girl and settle down... I believe it to be rare.
Type Two: The Unavailable
There could be many reasons why they are unavailable. They may be in a relationship that isn’t working, staying for the sake of the kids, or really have no plans to leave at all. This is the mistake that is made on both sides. I have been guilty of it... getting involved with someone who won’t leave his kids. This is where both genders can make the error of judgement. If you get involved with a man who is unavailable, it will usually end in tears. Don’t get me wrong, some men do leave their unhappy relationship and follow the course of true love but how often this happens, I don’t know.
Type Three: The Attached
The attached man is the one carrying a torch. They pursue you, thinking they are ready to date, to move on and build a relationship with someone new... until she comes back. Not saying this always happens but if the man isn’t over his last love, then run the other way. He may pursue you vigorously like the womaniser I speak of below, he may actually like you, but I believe the biggest warning sign is; I want to go slow, take it day by day. He doesn’t want to make dates for next week, but then may be spontaneous and organise several with short notice. This type of man is the reason for my 30 day man hiatus. Although the girlfriend was no longer in his life, he wasn’t over the relationship. He threw himself fully into something with me, thinking he was ready, then she rings, out of the blue, and bye-bye to current squeeze. The rejection may hurt, but in this instance, what is to be done, feelings are elsewhere and who am I, as a romance writer, to stand in the way of true love, what is meant to be. It could all fall in a crumbling heap, the same problems that broke them up could be there, but maybe things can change. The jury is out on this one for me but I have a motto, don’t go back if it didn’t work the first time.
Type Four: The Womaniser
I think this speaks for itself. They wine, they dine, they ... but that is all they want. Promises may or not be made and they may or may not tell you up front that it is casual. Again, these men could change, find the ‘one’ but I believe that these men probably don’t.
Type Five: The Vanisher
This could be a man you met anywhere, online, out and about, speed dating whatever. There are phone calls or online exchanges. There is that nice getting to know each other period. From experience, these guys take your number and don’t give out their own. They call you, things seem great, they say they will call to make a date, then poof! Up in smoke they go. Maybe they fall into one of the categories above, maybe it was all a fun flirtation they don’t want to follow through on, but I find the vanisher can leave a girl wondering, what happened?
Now these are all generalised and I am only speaking from my experiences... there may be other types that aren’t coming to mind right now, and there are exceptions to every rule. A scene from ‘He’s just not that into you’ reminds me of this. He is the serial womaniser, thought that there were no exceptions until he met her... She believes in love, analyses every little thing men do, will he call, why hasn’t he called, I think he likes me.... etc (I have been guilty of this I admit!) and though in the movie, it takes him a while to wake up... this sums it up for me.
Her: I thought there were no exceptions
Him: You are my exception
All I can do is hope to find a keeper (and maybe I have with my best friend, maybe this is the best option, companionship and respect) or perhaps I can be someone’s exception.
Serenity, acceptance, strength and wisdom